I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
