Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You ruined the universe
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
