Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am midnight drunk by noon
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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