all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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