at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
