woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
