I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
