I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
