What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
