i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
