Where is the hickey?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
how does that bad decision feel?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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