I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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