I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
