just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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