Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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