The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
