Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
