He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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