Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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