I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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