the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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