don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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