Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize