ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
