There was a lot of him and a little penis
cat food counts as protein by the way
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
