I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
