My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The Olympian is in my bed
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
