i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
