I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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