everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
