I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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