Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
