Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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