my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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