Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
