my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
