3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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