I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize