sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
