R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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