hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need to calm my uterus...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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