I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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