I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize