I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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