you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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