I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
