i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
