all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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