Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
