did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize