so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize