On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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