I just threw up on my dentist
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
