I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
