Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
