Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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