Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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