I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
