it's too hot outside to masturbate.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
