my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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