just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
