My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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