Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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