I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
