And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ladies don't puke and tell
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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