I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
