Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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